Pope Francis Warms Up Congress With a Few Miracles Before Speaking

by Rob Smat

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As he kicked off his first visit to the United States, Pope Francis seemed a little nervous before addressing the country’s representatives. They too felt tension as to what matters of world policy he might address. But all of this changed with a little warm up routine the Pope had prepared.

“Oh my God, look at that,” remarked Supreme Justice Roberts, “He’s glowing!” And to the surprise of the other congressmen, Pope Francis was in fact emitting a faint iridescent glow.

This merited bipartisan applause from the congressmen, as most of them firmly believe in citizens’ freedom to bioluminesce. Chief Justice Roberts noted, “Hey, I only do legal legislation; the laws of physics are out of my control!”

Another reporter remarked he had seen the same thing in Rome: “He just glows when he’s happy, kind of like E.T.” The Sack of Troy would like to formally declare that we believe the Pope is not in fact an extra terrestrial, but will stay abreast of the situation should anything change.

As the glow dissipated Congress was in a much better mood, but when the Pope speaks, he really likes to have a fully energetic audience. And that’s when John Kerry began to feel his feet leave the ground.

“Whoah! I’m flying! God almighty, I’m flying!” Kerry shouted, as he began to float and careen across the halls of congress, all the while being controlled by the calm wave of the Pope’s hand.

Kerry later reported he felt like a boy again in that moment, with a little Vietnam PTSD sprinkled on top. “But all in good fun,” he later remarked. (He was awarded a fourth Purple Heart for a twisted ankle he received for landing awkwardly.)

The uproarious applause by Congress then gave the Pontiff his chance to address the now attentive crowd. Aides later advised the Pope that should he want to warm up Congress in the future without the use of holy miracles, he could get the exact same response by simply saying words like “job growth” or “the troops.”