by Mark Lee and Axel Hellman
USC–As part of the university’s $6 billion capital fundraising campaign, President Max C. L. Nikias has been looking for innovative ways to increase revenues from parking spaces. On-campus parking at the school’s parking structures currently has no high-end parking spaces at all that can accommodate luxury vehicles, admitted Nikias.
Starting in the Fall 2015 semester, the university will sell parking spaces along Trousdale for sports cars and leisure yachts. The university launched weekend parking permits along Trousdale to test the concept, and see if it would be feasible for weekdays and the next school year. Students were divided on the issue.
Sophomore Lamborghini Aventador driver Paul Stalker elaborated that opening up more parking spaces on campus allows him to park in a more secure area within USC boundaries, and that the central location on USC’s main road running through campus is the most secure part of campus as well.
“I don’t want to have to park my Lambo, or my Ferrari F430 out on the street where the poors can get to it,” Stalker added.
“But think how nice it would be to be able to drive down Trousdale to get to class,” responded Stalker, “I always have to walk all the way down Trousdale to get from the accounting building to Taper, and it’s so, ugh, annoying. I feel like a peasant. Now I can just drive there to get to class! I won’t have to Uber there anymore!”
The initiative will also solve a critical problem for Nikias’s vaunted $6 billion fundraising campaign. Historically, donors visiting the university in their ocean-going pleasure boats would have to moor their vessels long distances away. When attending a recent fundraising gala for the University Village, trustees Roger and Charlotte Finger (after whom the well-known Finger Fountain is named), were forced to leave their 86-footer schooner Hummer of the Seas at Marina del Rey, a nearly 12-minute helicopter ride away.
“It’ll make it so much easier to stop by for cocktails with Max [Nikias] whenever we’re offshore in the Pacific,” Mrs. Finger told the Sack of Troy.
Due to the successful initial trial runs and test drives this past weekend, President Nikias is considering opening up the rest of the university’s excess spaces and roads as suitable parking spaces. Proposed new parking spaces include McCarthy Quad, Alumni Park, the track at Cromwell Field, the actual football field in the Coliseum, and the stage inside Bovard Auditorium.
Several of the larger fountains on campus, notable the Leavey Fountain, could also offer docking space for smaller vessels.
Despite various complaints from students, faculty, and guests alike, President Nikias has decided to move forward with the measure. When asked more specifically about the complaints, Nikias began to sympathize with students for a short time, before being distracted by a jet of water coming from the new fountain across from Bovard and shouting “thar she blows!”