USC–The infamous serial sexual-battery suspect that spent two months prowling near the Row, also known as the Booty Bandit, has been apprehended by the police.
LAPD officers were able to identify and find the suspect, a fact that DPS was quick to take credit for.
LAPD was able to match the suspect’s handprints and DNA extracted from sweat droplets left at the various crime scenes on his victims’ buttocks.
Sorority girls, sensing the streets are safe once again, have resumed their old habits of buying form-fitting yoga pants.
Junior sorority sister of KKG Kirstie Samson said “I’m so glad that my booty is finally safe. I can take off these VS sweatpants, and go back to wearing my Lulu’s and song-girl skirts. I missed the way frat guys would always leer at me, and at least now I know for sure that they’re checking out my butt and not just reading the word ‘pink’ off of it.”
Now that the criminal has been removed from the streets of North University Park, DPS officers have ceased wearing their booty short uniforms, as the lure is no longer necessary.
“Thank God that criminal is off the street,” added self-proclaimed yoga guru Maddie Rayguard, “I missed wearing my skin tight pants at 3 in the morning, even if they do cut off circulation. I can finally remove my standard-issue DPS booty protectors.”