by Andy Gause
In an attempt to increase safety along Trousdale Parkway, USC recently hired a dozen crusty curmudgeons to holler at passing bikers to walk their vehicles. Flown in from Grassy Knolls, a retirement home in Arizona, these old-timers will yell at those gosh-darn young folk and their dangerous pedal-machines.
Previously, DPS officers patrolled the area to ensure students didn’tt use their bikes for their intended purpose. However, research shows that curmudgeons’ hollering is 50% more effective at getting youngsters to ‘slow down and stand up straight.’
On top of the biking problem, the curmudgeons have taken it upon themselves to address students’ “’hippy-hop jeans,’ ‘jibber-jabbin’ tele-phone thingers,’ and President Obama’s skin color.”’
Reports suggest that the new curmudgeon plan will save the university thousands of dollars, because the curmudgeons are only paid in tapioca pudding, VHS tapes of Murder She Wrote, and pandering nostalgia.
Still, the plan isn’t without its critics. Administrators have already received numerous complaints from various special interest petitioners along Trousdale, who have more than once gotten into a environmentally-friendly shouting match with the belligerent curmudgeons. Several students also oppose the use of curmudgeons, who they consider smelly, racist, and profound reminders of their mortality.
In addition to these complaints, the issue of longevity also concerns the university. With frail bodies and poor eyesight, curmudgeons can only muster forty-minute shouting periods, before falling asleep in their comfy chairs. USC plans to combat the curmudgeon’s’ natural drowsiness by placing bowls of butterscotch hard candies near the curmudgeon’s’ stations for fast energy.