Rule #1 Show Everyone That Winter Is a Tuesday and Friday Kind of Thing
Winter isn’t a season. It’s a fashion choice. The time has come to sport those stitched coats, gloves, and scarves. BUT, you don’t want your last hookup to think you’re overly committal. Show everyone you’re taking Winter casually by alternating your winter gear with the spandex shorts and open toed heels of Summers past.
Rule #2 Lean In… To Pumpkin Spice
PSL isn’t a flavor; it’s a way of life. Starbucks can’t handle it past November, so you’ve got to pull your 92 pounds and hold the mantle. Replace your laundry detergent with 98-proof pumpkin spice vodka and own it.
Rule #3 Starbucks Red Cup Accessory
Don’t limit yourself to simply purchasing your favorite Venti Skinny Peppermint Mocha in one of those classic red cups. Make sure everyone else knows you’re supporting the holiday season too! Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter–make a shout out to your Winter tidings by posting your excitement on every form of social media and bombarding your followers!
Rule #4 Inuit Seal Coats
Combine the 3 pillars of basic betchiness in one strategic fashion statement. Show how east coast you are with heavy winter clothing, and tie it all together with just a titch of cultural insensitivity. Your friends will see how much you love cute animals when the pelt of one is draped around your shoulders. (Of course it was a rescue.)
Rule #5 Yoga Jumpsuit
You look on point in those yoga pants, so imagine Brad’s expression when he sees you in Lululemon’s full body latex. Nothing’s sexier than an obscured face. They even left room for you to pucker up for your duckface Snapchats.
Rule #6 Hand-Stitched Clothing
Those kids in Guadalajara you took your profile pic with? They’re even better for making artisan clothing. Send their village a small check, so the children drop out of school to make the cutest scarves, gloves, and accessories. You can take more Instagram pics when you go to pick your items up! Everyone will know how charitable you are.
Rule #6 InstaSnow
In the past, that girl Stacy on your instafeed who went to school on the east coast taunted you by posting adorable pics tossing snow gracefully into the air. No longer. You can up your Instalikes too with Sack of Troy’s new Winter filter that will put other SoCal girls’ leaf pics to shame.
Rule #7 Dark Red Lips
Everyone–including the Song Girls– is sporting those dark plum tones. Stick out by wearing your child-hand-stitched scarf twice as tight, so your extra pale complexion highlights those voluptuous man-pleasers. Your lipstick won’t fade because you won’t need to wear any!
Rule #8 Uggs
You’re good on this. Get to work on the rest.