by Rob Smat
LOS ANGELES, CA — Los Angeles residents, Angelenos, citywide have taken to celebration following the announcement of the “LA Ebola-free zone” by the CDC.
Governor Schwarzenegger (Editor’s note: Gov. Schwarzenegger is no longer in office and Jerry Brown is currently the leader of this state) stated, “Congratulations, Los Angeles! As the only region in the world to be declared Ebola free, we can lead other nations in keeping our citizens healthy and unbathed!”
It was confirmed that Los Angeles would never be overrun by the Ebola virus, no matter its spread or severity. Sources also confirmed drinking their own urine to preserve valuable rainwater.
“Ebola won’t get anywhere near us,” reported Joe Estevez, local pediatrician. “We have done everything necessary to prevent its spread, and- argh, hech erhem hm…”. Mr. Estevez was unable to continue his statement, as dead skin from his severely chapped lips had entered his dry throat and begun to choke him.
This dryness has been common amongst residents, as the drought has removed all fresh water from the Los Angeles area. But hey, no Ebola! Let’s just focus on that. The two are completely unrelated.
“The two are completely related,” reported local lunatic scientist Joe Schmoe (Editor’s note: Dr. Joseph Wallenstein M.D.) “Ebola is a water-borne disease. And now, we’re out of both.”
Angelenos will drink Freshwater Rations morning, noon, and night if it means no Ebola.
(Editor’s Note: We sincerely apologize for allowing our inexperienced office intern to write this story and we hope his careless attitude toward two very serious crises has not damaged the longstanding reputation of this publication. Sincerely, J. Jonah Jameson).