by Jori Barash
After weeks staying out of the public eye, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un’s whereabouts are finally known. It’s been suggested that the totalitarian leader was dealing with gout or diabetes based on video of him limping. Apparently this is only part of the story. For the last 2 months, Un has served double duty as an Asian leader and University of Arizona kicker.
His forge into the American sports world began in 2012 when Kim hosted former NBA players including Dennis Rodman. After the visit, Kim returned with Rodman for a secret tour of the states, disguised as an American, caucasian youth. The plan was successful until without even sending in an application, Kim Jong Un was accepted to the University of Arizona.
Apparently curious to examine more facets of American life, Kim Jong Un accepted the offer, doubled down on facial prosthetics, and joined U of A as a freshmen this fall. According to senior officials he immediately fell in love with Tucson, Arizona because the desolation, poverty, and misery reminded him so much of home.
Kim dedicated his national resources to the university and football team, resulting in a 5-0 streak up until yesterday when he insisted the coach let him play as kicker. Reports show that Kim was in fact simultaneously suffering from gout, diabetes, and a complete lack of athleticism, resulting in a stopped kick, a missed kick, and ultimately, USC’s victory.
Frustrated by the defeat, Kim Jong Un angrily ripped off his prosthetics following the post-kick tackle and attempted to sentence the USC team to labor camps. Despite the reveal of the North Korean dictator’s identity, at press time, U of A announced to keep him on the team.
“When you’re a wildcat, you’re a wildcat for life.”