by Joseph Grazier
UNIVERSITY PARK–After a series of “totally midlife crisis unrelated” events, as well as an accidental bath in Nuclear Radiation, C.L. Max Nikias, president of the University of Southern California, has legally changed his name to “Baron Von Doomsday” and has now taken to wearing an eye patch, despite his functioning ocular capacity.
“It came to me in a dream,” begins
Nikias Doomsday. “I was undisputed ruler of Earth, and all bowed to me. Everyone walked their bikes, my henchmen patrolled the streets on their ‘doomcycles’” (a segway with “skulls and flames” painted onto it), “and I had an entire factory full of small, malnourished asians pumping out as much Doomsday-branded merchandise as possible.”
The new name isn’t the only change the Baron brought into fruition. Underneath his office in the Bovard Administration Building, work has begun on “The Doom Cave-” constructed using pure black obsidian and 4.5 billion dollars of university funds.
Although unfinished, the Baron assures that the cave will be worth the cost. Planned features include an earthquake machine, cloning device, and a petting zoo.
“It’s time to really concentrate on what this University is about” said University Provost Ainsley Carrey- now known as “Master Melancholy.” “Total and utter global domination– isn’t that the true spirit of the Trojan Family?”