by Luke Phillips
A USC accounting major, John Elbright, is reportedly concerned about his long-term girlfriend’s decision to attend a frat party on the Row two weekends from now.
“It’s not that I don’t trust her,” Elbright explained, “but the environment at parties like that- alcohol, lots of scantily clad men and women, loud music- is just so conducive to in-the-moment decisions and poor judgment, like falling madly in love at first sight with a random stranger and making the snap decision to spend the rest of your life with him.”
Elbright opined that his girlfriend, Maria Coswell, was the most loyal and dedicated girlfriend and friend that he could have possibly been blessed to meet. “I’d normally believe Maria would never leave me forever for the first snapback-clad Romeo that serenades her with drinking chants- but then, I just don’t know.”
Coswell cited various controversial reports of female USC students attending frat parties being immediately seduced into stable, dedicated, loving relationships with older fraternity members and even fraternity alumni.
“I want to say it could never happen, but if I look at the statistics, it’s just so possible,” continued Elbright.
“I mean, the whole environment on the Row is designed with one purpose in mind- convincing women to fall madly in love with fraternity members to ensure that fraternity members can be assured stable, monogamous, mutually beneficial relationships long into their octogenarian years.”
“All this regardless of the feelings of the boyfriends of the girls involved. That’s why they only let girls into the parties to achieve an ‘awesome groom-bride ratio’ and let the alcohol flow freely. It’s a total ploy.”
Elbright refused to provide Maria Coswell’s contact information, citing a concern that the Sack of Troy correspondent might try to seduce her into marrying him too.