by Matt Prusak
MOJAVE DESERT — Plato’s cave may soon be relegated to myth after all. The philosophy industry, for decades ranked alongside basket weaving, gender studies, and Spanish as a guaranteed career path for college students seeking job security, may soon be in jeopardy.
In the miles-deep shafts of the philosophy mines beneath the Mojave, only silence remains. The sounds of graduate students and pedantic freshmen arguing incoherently have all but vanished from this once productive philosophy mine, leaving many to wonder what the future holds for USC’s philosophy majors.
While many once thought the global supply of philosophy to be skyrocketing since the invention of LSD and the debut of off-topic YouTube comment wars over existentialism, it was only recently that scientists began expressing concern over whether peak philosophy was imminent.
When reached for comment, Philosophy Department Chair Fitzsimmons took the long view: “We held self-evident that the preponderance of ontological proof bequeathed the notion of continued economic amelioration with verisimilitude, but frankly, Plato could talk a big game about huge signing bonuses for graduates when he had a whole cave full of the stuff.”
The USC Career Center echoed these concerns, noting that the depletion of the mines, which for years had contributed to the near-100% employment of philosophy majors nationwide, has caused grave concern about the future of this once-booming major.
“The prospect of a guaranteed job making the big bucks in the philosophy mine was our main way of putting butts in seats,” replied one advisor when asked for comment. “Without the lucrative export of philosophy from the mines each year, how can we hope to continue attracting students to a major with limited other prospects?”
Philosophy students appeared both surprised and concerned about what their future may hold due to lack of work in the mines. “I signed up for this major expecting a $100k starting salary,” one student declared, “My parents were so proud that I chose such a practical program. What am I supposed to do with this degree now that the mines might run out? Law school?”
Not all may be lost, however. Recent advances in “feelings-induced cracking,” or fracking, as a means of further extracting philosophy, have so far proven promising, although it still remains possible that thousands of would-be philosophers will be reduced to starving nomadic wanderers, like so many theater majors.