Where Your Tuition Goes, Part II

by Staff

BOVARD AUDITORIUM — For the second year in a row, the university released a dollar-by-dollar enumeration of how students’ tuition dollars are spent.  Below is a summary of how much each of the university’s projects cost per student:

  • $1.30         Decorative kale at EVK
  • $12.40       Freshman de-lanyarding
  • $102.10     Replacing every tree on campus each year
  • $1,200.00  Fence to keep out the poors
  • $20.10       Racial prejudice training for DPS to keep out the poors
  • $30.30       Extensive bureaucratic system to reduce financial aid and keep out the poors
  • $104.28     UV rat rehabilitation sanctuary
  • $74.19       Armed DPS Segway research & development
  • $105.11     USC Housing’s suppression of the Union of Janitorial Professionals
  • $104.00     Red Bricks
  • $5.17         Complex boobie traps that only work after 9 pm
  • $85.31       Biennial repaving of McClintock Ave.
  • $77.43       Hound maintenance at Nikias’ presidential mansion
  • $2.00         Max C.L. Nikias decoy
  • $81.61       Industrial waste for use at dining halls
  • $5,000.00  Sexual harassment lawsuit settlements
  • $1.48         Team of lawyers to defend Trojan brand
  • $18.98       Idling football team buses
  • $90.99       Positive media spin on student deaths
  • $77.29       Traveler’s blacksmith
  • $9.28         Quidditch team travel fees
  • $11.82       Trojan Vision subsidies
  • $92.11       Library shushers*
  • $91.22       Earthquake-proofing Leavey’s single book stack
  • $5.52         Complimentary tequila shots for university administration at Traddy’s
  • $99.14       Biological research on effects of “the Chano’s Diet”
  • $82.19       Trapdoor outside Nikias’ Office for “annoying protesters”
  • $8.19         Piranhas for said trapdoor (formerly Jabba the Hutt’s Rancor)
  • $2.18         Paying off criminal investigations into Athletics Department
  • $1.92         Paying off criminal investigations into Nikias’ private life and “oregano” farm
  • $510.86     Subsidizing criminal investigations into Greek community
  • $402.19     Live camera stream of Kaufman School of Dance (partially sponsored by Playboy)
  • $19.00       Legal name change for C.L. Max Nikias to “Professor Doomsday”
  • $91.07       Secret Lair beneath Professor Doomsday’s office
  • $9,204.10  Special mechanics (weather controlling device, earthquake machine, popcorn maker, etc.)

 

*Funding shared with DPS get-off-your-bike-ers