by Noah Suarez-Sikes
LOS ANGELES, CALIF.– Following a brief but mysterious press release from the university, President Nikias has announced that USC has begun a new program called the “Trojan Family Relief Facility Renewal Project” (TFRFRP), which will now be accepting bids for the naming rights to the university’s many pristine and sparkling toilet stalls and urinals.
“The University of Southern California has a proud tradition of wealthy donors giving some of their hard-inherited money back to the school, which has helped us fund many great projects and provide a top-notch learning environment for our students. However, the fact remains that we as a university have run out of surfaces to attach names to. Buildings, classrooms––even benches. The only things that haven’t been endowed yet are the architecture school and DPS––and we can all see why.”
“Every single other building or program has been claimed by one wealthy family or another” continued Nikias, “which means that there’s not enough things for chumps––I mean valued investors––to buy. That’s why we’ve instituted this revolutionary new program… the tuh-fur-furp!”
According to Nikias, the first group of toilets has already been auctioned off. During the announcement, the various toilets in New/North had labels affixed to them, marking which immeasurably wealthy family had spent upwards of $100,000 to sponsor a toilet. “It’s really amazing what a sponsorship can do” said student Hannah Hausmann upon leaving the Halliburton Inc. Lavatory Experience.
“Before they put this plaque on the stall, it just lacked a certain je ne sais quoi! And I mean look at this name! It’s so shiny and nice! I’m so glad we don’t have unnamed bathrooms anymore like those poor people at UCLA I hear so much about!”
However, some students have expressed doubt about the new naming system. “Honestly, I’m not entirely sure whether this is even necessary” said Marcel Picabia, while urinating at the newly dedicated Joseph Djugashvili Urinal Station. “Sure, the plaque is nice, but it just kind of creeps me out to be doing my business while the plaque is just sort of… sitting there. At least it gives me something to aim at.”
University officials, however, have assured students that auctioning off the naming rights to the bathrooms would not adversely impact their quality at all, and would in fact improve it. “We are ready to bring USC into the 21st century, providing a top-notch, futuristic defecation experience for all of our students. We pledged to make USC a leader in number of endowed bathrooms, and after the initiation of the TFRFRP, USC will have the most endowed bathrooms among universities IN THE WORLD!”
“Why, I myself used the Shicklgruber Remembrance Toilet today, and I can confirm that the toilet paper involved was 2-ply! Two whole plies!” shouted Nikias at the top of his voice, while waving around a roll of toilet paper presumably stolen from that same bathroom.
At press time, UCLA, not to be outdone, began auctioning off naming rights to sewage directly, starting with UCLA Chancellor Gene Block.