by Rob Smat
Breaking: JACKPOT AT THE USC STUDENT UNION
After a disappointing day of carefully avoiding road construction, campus construction, and construction of further construction, Lara Langley struck gold.
“I passed the Ticket Office to see if there were any discounts on Magic Mountain day passes,” remarked Lara, “And then it happened: I scored a three percent discount. I couldn’t believe it.”
Sources confirmed that Langley had, in fact, paid $78.04 for a pass which typically costs $80.68, totalling 3.38% savings. Such a discount was previously unheard of in the history of the USC Ticket Office, where discounts range from 0.5% to 1.7% per ticket.
Langley’s weekend plan to attend the park came out of a dismissal of her original intention of attending the next USC home games, for which she had purchased a season ticket. However, Langley’s plans to visit the theme park were downgraded from “pretty-probable” to “tentative-to-likely”. She attempted to sell her admission pass on all USC facebook and pages except the ticket trade group.
“As always, I visited the ticket office three weeks before I planned on going to Magic Mountain. Now, of course, that’s not usually enough time. So, I also performed the Ticket Office’s recommended rituals: I knocked three times on the door, hopped twice before entering, and once I got to the teller’s window, whispered the magic words.”
When pressed to reveal the magic words, Langley refused, frightened that someone else might steal her windfall the next time she hoped to score a rounding-error discount.
At press time, Lara’s monetary victory had been squandered on a $7.63 slice of tuna from Lemonade.