by Sabrina Yam and Sondhayni Murmu
GREEK ROW–Wednesday evening, a truck full of organic fertilizer crashed into TKE West. It drove straight through the back door and spilt its load.
The truck remained lodged in the rear overnight. Fortunately, there were no major injuries, save for one TKE member who could not see properly. He was wearing his snapback the wrong way around as a supposedly new, but unfortunately catastrophic fashion statement.
Eyewitnesses claimed the truck had been on its way to a farm when it suddenly veered off the road and rammed into one of the TKE houses. The driver came out from the vehicle mostly unfazed, with nothing to say except that he had travelled far from Arizona and the “drive was long and hard.”
A fraternity member expressed initial annoyance, only to remember that the house is insured. Another was overheard saying that he “thought fertilizer was supposed to, like, make stuff grow longer,” which suggests that the accident may actually have been planned. This issue is currently under investigation.
As of now, TKE is still full of manure. It was rumored that cleanup would start on Friday; however, the rest of the Greek community has yet to notice that anything is amiss.
Surprisingly, there are no ill effects of the excessive fertilizer within the house. Evidence suggests that this is due to an immunity its members have developed over long term exposure to the substance.
Although TKE is unaffected, those unaccustomed to living in such environments should steer clear of the site. The smell is sure to cause excessive vomiting and the sudden urge to rush TKE, but in the opposite direction.