by Noah Suárez-Sikes
LOS ANGELES– Following a press release promising “exciting new developments” in regards to the admissions process, the USC Admissions Department has revealed that, starting in the fall of 2015, it will be using the dating app Tinder to handle all applications.
“Tinder has the potential to radically streamline the way we here at USC conduct our admissions process, taking all of the time and effort that would normally be spent on reading essays and evaluating ACT and SAT scores, and reducing it to a simple swipe––left or right!” said a representative of the Admissions Department, gleefully holding up her phone to show the crowd the app’s streamlined design.
“Also, the app was developed by USC alumni, so it is yet another way that we can demonstrate our eternal, unwavering, undying commitment to the Trojan Family!” she continued, eyes flashing maniacally for a split second.
Additional statistics revealed at the press conference show that using Tinder would reduce the department’s budget by approximately 98.7%, allowing the university to use the remaining millions to pay for much-needed renovation projects across campus. University officials have stated the highest-priority projects currently include finally bringing EVK up to health code standards and widening the driveway next to New/North, in order to fit more ambulances.
Many prospective applicants seemed enthused at the prospect of using Tinder for college applications. “I’m so glad that I don’t have to write any essays for USC!” said Connor Durgan, a prospective brewery management major, adding “It’ll totally simplify my application if all I have to do is upload a few selfies of me with my new Lamborghini! And that way I won’t have to deal with those constant CommonApp errors!”
Some, however, expressed doubt that the new system would work. “I just don’t get how we’re supposed to present ourselves to a university with just a few selfies and a short text description. How can they realistically evaluate our intelligence and merit that way?” asked prospective applicant Catherine Markels, adding that “Also, I noticed that most of the people USC swiped right on were white guys with fancy shoes.”
However, USC staff remained adamant that the new system represents a huge leap forward for USC as a whole. “Tinder will revolutionize the entire college admission process,” said the representative, “and any naysayers clearly don’t understand the value of switching to a swipe-based system. Besides, it’s not like we read your essays anyway.”