Q: How was a group of unaffiliated, vulgar nerds able to collectively steal hundreds of compromising photos off the digitally protected phones of so many celebrities?
A: Holy sh*t! Have you seen these pictures?? It’s like I got all my birthday presents for the next 5 years on the same day.
Q: I heard the iCloud was involved. How does that technology work and what are some strategies of breaches?
A: Some of the photos just had genitals, but others ACTUALLY HAD J-Law’s face!! Like they’re totally real!!
Q: If iCloud was involved, couldn’t the breach shake people’s confidence in the new Apple Pay system that was just announced?
A: Daaayum. My bud Jake just found some new ones!
Q: What does mass media attention like this say about our obsession with knowing and seeing everything about our celebrities? Is there now any line we won’t cross?
A: Two words: Kate. Upton’s. Tits.
Q: What kind of criminal ramifications could result from this? How involved is the FBI?
A: YOU MEAN THE FEMALE BODY INSPECTORS?! Cause I’m sooooo involved.
Q: The internet’s deepest, darkest corners like nothing better than to complain about the NSA’s infractions on their privacy. Why are they suddenly perfectly OK looking at the most sensitive and personal documentation of other people’s lives?
A: Sorry, way, way too busy right now. I’ll get back to you on that in three minutes.