by Rob Smat
USC — Just one week after the end of Spring Break, widespread reports across campus have indicated that it is once again no longer possible to start conversations.
“On Sunday all the way up to yesterday, man, it was so easy,” reported Gerald Huffington, a third year picobiology major. “Every time you saw somebody you knew, you could just say ‘How was your break?’ and they’d be all ‘Good’ and you’d be all ‘Good!’ then it was over.”
Conversation on campus has declined 56%, according to the latest CNN/ORC 2016 Presidential Election Poll.
Gerald continued, “How am I supposed to start off a conversation now? Just mumble ‘Hey’ and then struggle between weather, sports, and current events until one of us runs out of time? That’s no way to live.”
Mr. Huffington noted that, before this week, he hadn’t spoken to anyone after the first week back from Winter Recess: “That was when I could ask about Winter break to start off the conversations.”
In concluding his point, Gerald also shared his findings on other Holidays: “Presidents Day and MLK Day don’t work the same way. Don’t know why. They just don’t. Ever ask somebody how their MLK Day was? Didn’t think so.”
Current estimates predict that conversation will continue to be minimal until the week of finals, when students will be able to discuss summer plans and exchange obligatory goodbyes before engaging in three more months of silence.