by Andy Gause
Jared Eggerton, a junior studying gym-ometry, was working his upper body when he locked eyes with his true love in the Lyon Center mirror: himself.
“It was totes love at first sight,” claims a beaming Mr. Eggerton, “I had never seen anyone so beautiful, so fit, so swol. I mean, those pecs, those lats. I knew I had to lock that shit down, know-what-I-mean?”
After grunting a few mating calls, Mr. Eggerton approached his reflection to begin the extended courting process. “We had so much in common! He loved Tosh.0, I loved Tosh.0. I knew he was perfect for me.”
Two weeks later, Mr. Eggerton popped the question in front of a delighted, perspired crowd of onlookers. The reflection was taken by surprise, but after contemplatively staring at its bicep for a few moments, it finally said “yes.”
Not everyone is excited about the marriage. Richard Johnson, a freshman seafaring major, claims that this union will defile the sanctity of marriage. Mr. Johnson spoke with our reporters in between squats.
“Eyeing yourself seductively in the mirror? Fine. Tenderly rubbing your reflection’s nipples? Who hasn’t done that? But marrying yourself? I’m no bigot, but that’s just sick. Why can’t he just make do like the rest of us, and have sex with a blow-up doll that looks like yourself? Think of the children, you perv!”
However, Mr. Eggerton refuses to allow such objections to interfere with the marriage procedings. “I hear people’s complaints, but me and my reflection aren’t letting it get in the way of our love.” Mr. Eggerton has decided to hold his wedding in the middle of the Lyon Center.
“It’s perfect because it’s where we met. Also, once the ceremony is over, we can work on our quads.”