by Andy Gause
photo by Zoe Haddad through Hollywood Sign Generator
On Friday, G. H. Palmer Associates, owner of the Lorenzo Apartments, announced the purchase of the iconic Hollywood Sign.
The traditional white sign is to replaced with an even larger, flashing neon sign that reads: “The Lorenzo: Come Check Us Out,” along with two eighty-foot-tall television screens featuring clips of half-not-clothed residents enjoying the facility’s four different pools.
Reports estimate the purchase cost nearly six hundred million dollars. However, Lorenzo representatives claim that they will pay as much as is necessary to get the word out about their amazing facility.
Mrs. Francis Longshore, a spokeswoman for the Lorenzo, spoke to the media about the change, “Out with the old and in with the new! Who doesn’t know this is Hollywood by now? What they don’t know about is the amazing housing opportunity awaiting them at the Lorenzo!”
Mrs. Longshore went on to describe in great detail the many amenities and low prices at the Lorenzo, speaking for two hours on the subject. After the announcement, the assembled media was treated to free In N’ Out and an impromptu concert from Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. Following the concert, several members of the media signed up to tour the facility.
Mrs. Longshore claims that the Lorenzo has plans to buy other prominent historical landmarks in the near future, including City Hall, the LA Coliseum, and USC itself.
When asked about some of the details of the Lorenzo’s leasing agreement, Mrs. Longshore promptly turned up the music and asked if we had tried the free caviar.