by Robert Smat
MIAMI, FL — Following his widely publicized arrest this morning on accounts of drag racing, driving under the influence, and possession of illicit drugs, Justin Bieber found some time to himself while waiting at the Miami Police Department, where he is reported to have looked up the definition of “retirement.”
Early reports indicate that he spent the time browsing the web and stumbled upon an interesting website he had never before known about.
“Dictionary.com, hm, that’s cool,” one of the guards heard Mr. Bieber mutter to himself.
While browsing through Dictionary.com, Bieber was reported to have stumbled across the word “retirement,” a word that the pop star has used frequently over the past few weeks.
Another guard overheard Bieber continue to read: “Retirement…hm…retire. Ok, to withdraw or remove oneself from activities per…pert…pertaining to work or employment. To withdraw from strenuous and dangerous activity in favor of relaxation. What the hell?”
It appears that Mr. Bieber was not aware that retirement required a life of peaceful contemplation and removal of himself from the public spotlight.
When asked about the subject, Bieber responded: “I had no idea. I mean, I kind of got the jist of it, you know, not doing concerts anymore, focusing on living life to its fullest, separating myself from the ever-growing throng of One Direction supporting backstabbers. That sort of thing.”
“But I had no idea all that retirement was. Are you telling me that retired people don’t go drag racing while crossfaded after spending $75,000 at a strip club?! That’s insane.”
Bieber’s bail of $2500 was reported to have been covered by the aforementioned club, where the employees were able to find twice that amount left on the floor after everybody left.
At press time, Bieber was frantically scrambling through thesauraus.com for a more appropriate synonym of “retirement” that would allow him to continue living a very dangerous life without having to make more music.