by Robert Smat
USC’s Office of the President, in league with the Department of Public Safety, announced this past week that the Row would reopen in the spring semester as one giant playground.
Using state-of-the-art playground technology, the Row will now be a safer place for students, who will no longer need apple juice and processed sugars to have fun.
Citing need for further safety measures, DPS outlined a careful plan to install many safety measures to prevent injuries and tantrums due to sugar rushes. For instance, rubber pellets will be laid all over the row, so when children fall, they’ll only cry a little bit and will only incur minor “booboos”.
New security cameras in the jungle gyms will keep bullies from pulling the girls’ pigtails without parents knowing. And the new DPS squad of search dogs will be able sniff out illicit cheeseball dust from a mile away.
Also, children will not be allowed to play on the playground if their breath smells too heavily of apple juice, known to be a major factor in the sugar rush cycle.
If toddlers appear to be drinking excessive amounts of approved apple juices snuck onto the premises, they too will be sent to their parents in the parking lot.
The new DPS plans have been met with mostly pleased reactions. Sarah Jane, a second year cookie eater, appeared optimistic about the plan: “Ouchies no fun. Apples juice taste yucky. Row fun now.”
But long-time residents of the row are not pleased with some of the regulations, despite the Row reopening, like Timmy, a fourth year mud sculptor: “Playground only fun with apples juice. Lots apples juice.”