DPS Shuts Down Engineering Party Out of Pity
by Andy Gause
A social gathering on Thursday night was shut down by the Department of Public Safety around 8:30pm. DPS received reports from local neighbors who felt “really depressed” for the party-goers. The event, held on Menlo Avenue, intended to bolster funds for Engineering Association of America.
Eyewitnesses claim that the event had only eight male attendees, calling it a “total sausage fest with almost no redeeming qualities.” Although rumors briefly circulated about one female attendee on her way, they were quickly dispelled by new reports that the female decided to go to the row instead.
Kirk Mason, a Senior majoring in rabbinical studies and resident the party location, commented, “it was the lamest party in the world, it was just a bunch of sweaty, nervous dudes. To top it all off, they ran out of alcohol in like half an hour. How can a party with eight people run out of drinks?” Party attendees become agitated by the “lame” status of the party, threatening to leave only forty minutes into the event.
Representatives of the Engineering Association of America attempted to calm the restless group, urging attendees to call “any chicks you know.” Unfortunately, their words fell on deaf ears. The party-goes averted eye contact, mumbling something about how all the women they knew were totally busy that night.
At this point, DPS decided to step in and end the event, to save everyone some dignity. DPS Officer Lars Sani claims that these types of parties can be just as dangerous as the rowdier events: “When you have large groups of sweaty, horny men gathered together, nothing good can come of it. You need a female element to reel in man’s natural urges and unrelenting stupidity.”
Citing other organizations with the same mistake, “Look at the Catholic Church or the Boy Scouts of America: things become crazy without women. If we hadn’t arrived when we did, who knows what reckless mistake these all-male party members might have made?
At press time the engineering students were in the planning stages of their new cult/improv troupe.