by Axel Hellman and Dylan Abrams
Early on Thursday evening, USC administrators received confirmation that the U.S. News College Rankings had upped USC’s standing from number 23 to 22, overtaking Dartmouth College (formerly number 22) in the process.
USC officials have been longing to snatch Dartmouth’s number 22 spot for the past decade and have gone to incredible lengths to do so. Reports say that in a bizarre occult ceremony, university officials smoked special Cuban cigars containing hairs from Fidel Castro’s beard in the hopes of gaining his authoritarian powers.
In celebration of this glorious triumph, university officials immediately gathered in front of the Bovard Administration Building and proceeded to burn an effigy of Dartmouth’s Big Green mascot.
Afterwards, President C. L. Max Nikias invited top administrators and donors to his opulent estate in the exclusive beach town of Perros Gordos.
There, the elites of USC feasted upon lobster, bald eagle eggs, and certain meats of questionable legality. It is reported that the attendees stabbed pins into a giant voodoo map of the Dartmouth campus.
The Trojan Knights, who distributed the enormously popular “fucla” line of t-shirts, announced plans to release a line of “dartmouthafuckas” apparel.
The university released an official statement regarding their new status as the 22nd best college in the United States, “We’re extremely proud to have finally been recognized as slightly better than that little trade school in New Hampshire, which has been mistakenly regarded for years as an institution of higher learning. Fight on!”
The U.S. News College Rankings are based on objective criteria, such as student body diversity, prevalence of fountains on campus and number of campus safety officers assigned to bike control.
William Lloydsworth (heir to the Lloydsworth whaling fortune) donated a sum of $16 million to endow the USC Satanic Awareness Movement and is a member of the USC college rankings committee.
Lloydsworth attended the celebratory bacchanals and told The Sack of Troy, “Improving our ranking has been our number one priority for the past eleven years. Now we can focus on our football team, the University Village project, and maybe in twenty years or so, our academics.