by Dylan Abrams and Axel Hellman
On Thursday evening, news broke of an apparent “event” at Parkside. University officials were at first doubtful that the stories were true, saying that the odds of a fun event occurring at Parkside are as minimal as the social interaction among its residents.
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. When I saw that event, it challenged all of my preconceptions about reality.” said Shawawana Fong, a Parkside resident who is majoring in creative pun writing. “In one unlikely event, the entire status quo had been dismantled. I wouldn’t be surprised if a revolution overthrew the existing social order.”
Above: Parkside’s last event in 2008, which drew dozens of students
Gorgon Meanwald, a butchery studies student with a dual emphasis in fat back and pork butt, attended the event. Worn out after 20-25 minutes of exhilaration at the event , she could barely communicate with our reporters. However, she was able to indicate that she did enjoy herself, although not excessively so. “Five out of ten… It was that much fun,” she mumbled.
DPS officer Stewart “Stew” Pidd, was on security duty at the event. He was unable to contain himself over the moderate amounts of wholesome fun that the event offered to its 10-15 attendees. “Yippee!!!” he exclaimed, “This is the BEST!!! DAY!!! EVER!!!” Unconfirmed reports place officer Pidd on his segway after the event, driving in circles and licking an oversized lollipop.
Throngs of students came to watch the event unfold. Many were astonished that the event was taking place — and that they were able to make it to Parkside without getting lost on the way. One incredulous onlooker, Mike “Banana-man” Ciesielka, a Roski school finger-painting major, told the Sack of Troy, “The gaiety! The mirth! Oh heavens! It was all too much.”
Readers may notice that the so-called “news-paper” the Daily Trojan failed entirely to report on the event. Coordinators of the event say that had it been publicized in the newspaper, many of the Daily Trojan’s tens of readers would have attended.
After 25 minutes of pure revel and jubilation, reality set in. The event terminated and was cleaned up. For now, the USC community eagerly awaits the next event to break the constant woe that is Parkside, expected to occur in 2024.