by Jori Barash and Tyler Pullen
FRAT ROW–After thousands of years plaguing humanity, racism finally died Saturday night. Conservative pundits swore that racism is only a thing of our past for a decade, but there were still doubts about society’s “colorblindedness.”
That is, until this past weekend, when Caucasian Kappa senior Emily Finchkin showed up to a “Dirty South”-themed Phi Psi party boldly donning a poncho, sombrero, and a prop handlebar mustache, a costume that someone who believed in the concept of racism could not possibly wear.
According to sources, the moment she walked in, an apparition spawned through a colorless vortex, appearing as a cross between an Asian-Latino grim reaper in Robert Downey Jr.-esque black-face. Almost instantly, the spectral figure roared and tremored about like it was the California Shake-Out, pointing disdainfully to Ms. Finchkin, before disintegrating into a puff of gold dust.
Onlookers, unaware of the tremendous symbolism of the event, chastised the ghostly creature for his party foul and scoffed. “Stupid freshman,” they collectively dismissed.
Not until recently did USC pseudosociologist Jack Moloney hear of the amazing occurrence. His astute scientific analysis assures that this figure was indeed the conceptual paradigm of global racism, and that the description of what happened that fateful night should mark the uniform end of bigotry around the world.
Elaborating, Moloney said that abstract societal values often follow the tinkerbell effect: “When society stops believing in something, it ceases to exist. It appears that Ms. Finchkin was simply the straw that broke the racially amalgamated donkey’s back.”
Sloan Fouler, another trustworthy USC professor and researcher, explained “Nobody who believes in the possibility of racism could rationally show up in public dressed like that. If I am right, and I do think that I am, then racism shall have no place in this universe from here on out.”
Legend of “Dr. Mahatma Luther Finchkin, Jr.,” as supporters have nicknamed her, is already spreading across the country like manifest destiny – except this time, totally devoid of racial prejudice.
At press time, near sundown, a selfless student avoided making eye contact with a possibly homeless man.