by Andy Gause
Sam Friedman, a junior in the music school majoring in bell, and a member of Delta Tau Phi, had a horrifying existential realization during a recent frat event. The party started out as a fun evening of red cups, bro-tanks and bad music.
But as he was grinding his pelvis into Katie Rosenberg, a Sophomore balloon inflation major, Mr. Friedman felt a sudden, deep emptiness that shook him to his core. This monumental breakthrough occurred during the chorus of Big Sean’s ‘Dance Ass Remix.’
The bleak, stark realization caused Mr. Friedman to drop the enormous plastic goblet he was holding, spilling what must have been hundreds of dollars of precious Natural Light beer onto the dance floor.
“I was like whaaaat? Are you gonna dance or what?” said Mrs. Rosenberg of the incident. Mr. Friedman then stared into the crowd of gyrating bodies for over three minutes, with a cold glassiness in his eyes.
Reporters who were at the scene say that Mr. Friedman recognized that he is all alone in the endless universe, and that nothing he does will ever matter.
For the first time in his short existence, Mr. Friedman realized that his achievements are insignificant in the grand scheme of things, since he is going to die anyway.
However, Mr. Friedman was broken from his existential spell by the prospect of taking jell-o shots with a group of “smoking hot’” freshmen. The alcohol he soaked his brain in helped temporarily ease the pain, but his new-found realization was not gone, only stuffed down into his subconscious to resurface sometime in the near future.
The next day, in a true indication that he had lost all touch with reality, Friedman switched his major to philosophy.