by Axel Hellman and Dylan Abrams
In a recently approved deal, USC purchased several pieces or real estate south of campus, which, according to ancient legend, is an undesirable and ghetto area.
DPS public relations officer and Cantonese student liaison Di Yew Wai cautioned the USC community about the dangers of everywhere south of campus, “The area south of campus purchased by the university, sometimes known as “Expo Park” in prison slang, is the territory of two notorious gangs and we strongly advise students and faculty not to enter the area. If you do, please be advised that known gang colors in this area are red and yellow. At all costs, do not wear these colors south of campus.”
Officer Di Yew Wai continued, “gang clashes are frequent in this area. Often rival gangs will come, resulting in extended brawls that can last 3 or 4 hours. Sometimes thousands of gang-affiliated individuals watch the fights as spectators, creating a situation of enormous danger and uncertainty.”
Another DPS officer, Sergeant. Violetine Parrol, disclosed that there has been an epidemic of stabbings in this crime-ridden neighborhood, “We caution students that there is a good chance they will be stabbed if they go south of campus. Watch out for a hoodlum wearing a plumed helmet, metallic bulletproof vest, and a red mini-skirt. This individual’s modus operandi is to stab lawns or fields in front of him as a warning, before proceeding to knife his victims.”
Sgt. Parrol added that the ground-stabbing thug is armed with an oversized sword, frequently rides a horse, and is extremely dangerous.
The Sack of Troy conducted a small survey of students for their opinions of the area south of campus, but almost all said that they had never been, and were too mortally terrified by the thought of what lies south of Exposition Boulevard to risk going.
Rod Fleischman, a freshman chemical engineering major who dreams to one day unlock the secrets of alchemy, spoke to the Sack of Troy at the Chipotle under Tuscany Apartments, which he was visiting on a break from the dining halls that he referred to as an “EVKation.” He said, “Thank baby Jesus I’ve never been south of Exposition. I already feel like I’m being stabbed in the gut every time I go to EVK.”
The Sack of Troy was also able to interview a daring and intrepid junior (who wishes to remain anonymous) who miraculously escaped a gruesome death when he got lost south of campus. “I got on the wrong bus by mistake,” he said, “and got off at the intersection of Compton Boulevard and Crips Avenue, which is on the other side of the Coliseum as USC.”
Despite being vulnerable and unprotected from the criminal element, he made it back to USC alive. The local people were intimidating and threatening, and he said that they had “horrible staring eyes” and “kept trying to offer directions” to him.