by Ryan Lee
At a small press conference on Sunday afternoon, USC Athletic Director Pat Haden admitted that he and other leaders of USC Athletics were gullible enough to believe that Lane Kiffin was an actual football coach.
As it turns out, Kiffin was an elaborately constructed hoax perpetrated by a team of pranksters based out of UCLA.
“We deeply regret the fact that, for the past three and a half years, our Trojan Football team has been led by a fictional character,” stated Haden on the podium as he wiped away tears, “and we ask for your support and understanding during this difficult time.”
Haden and President Nikias revealed that, during public appearances, Kiffin was portrayed by performance artist and visor model Richard Brooks, who used a Magic 8 ball hidden underneath his play chart to decide on strategy during games. Now that the ruse is over, Brooks plans to return to New York to stage his one-man off-off-Broadway show, a mix of prop comedy and interpretive dance.
The hoax’s perpetrators, two still-anonymous former UCLA students, stated they never intended for the hoax to go as far as it did, and showed remorse for the team’s disastrous performance at Arizona State. In a joint statement, they said, “We told him to make the play calling funny. We didn’t tell him to make it horrific.”