by Asher Levy
Kofi Annan, the former UN Arab League joint special envoy to Syria and author of the Six Point Peace Plan intended to end the incessant fighting raging in the war-torn Levantine nation, has declined an offer to join the Trojan Family in the position as Resident Advisor of the second floor of the New/North Residential College, on the grounds of the position being “too dangerous”.
“In Syria, I was faced with brokering a true and lasting peace between a populace with aspirations of freedom and a homicidal, repressive regime. The battle lines were fairly clear”, remarked Annan in an exclusive interview with the Sack of Troy.
“Frankly, I am looking to move beyond warzones, and it has been long apparent to the international community that the New/North Erogenous Zone is home to several orgiastic terrorist militias, armed with shards of broken whisky bottles, feces, and the feared red SOLO cup.”
“For instance, recently, in an act of unprecedented aggression, violating the Geneva Convention and multiple statutes of international law, one of these militias ripped a water fountain out of the wall while screaming “shmacked”, which appears to be an extremist religious battle cry.”
“Three civilians died that evening of a parched throat, evoking Rwanda 1994.”.
After an extensive search, an advisory committee decided to approach Mr Annan, a Nobel Recipient and one time UN secretary General, citing his expertise in conflict resolution.
Mr. Lars Von Kleinschmidt III, the president of the search committee noted that “Mr. Annan’s “courageous and organized attempts to resolve the conflict in Syria lead us to believe that he would be a perfect fit for the New/North Residential College. Mr. Annan’s expert dealings with a rough regime in possession of chemical weapons expertly prepares him for the inevitable confrontations with inebriated Sigma Chi brothers in possession of the deadly “Penthouse cocktail” of vodka, EZ-Mac, and some sort of cigarette know colloquially as ‘purple cheese”.
In response to these inflammatory remarks, the brothers of Sigma Chi have threatened to sue. For up to the minute coverage of the impending Sigma Chi vs. Von Kleinschmidt III lawsuit, read the Sack of Troy.
In an exclusive interview, USC President C.L Max Nikias expressed “deep regret” at Annan’s decision not to accept the position. “Though I respect the former Secretary General’s decision, I believe this opportunity would have remarkable capstone to a stellar career of conflict resolution”.
President Nikias has reassured the USC community that the job will go to the right individual, citing former vice-president Dick Cheney and Zimbabwean strongman Robert Mugabe as potential possibilities.